*Xanderfood cake*

 "Now might be a good time for something heroic."-Spike

"AAAH!" I screamed, jumping back from the wall. I heard footsteps pounding in my direction as I stared in shock and horror at the thing in the bathroom. Backing out of the doorway, I was unable to look away.

"Xander, what is it?!" Buffy yelled, skidding around the corner into the room of the lodge I’d claimed. Spike appeared a second later, from the other direction. I pointed frantically at the wall. They came up next to me, ready to fight off my attacker. Sadly enough, it was an evil no one could defeat.

"What the hell IS that?!" I demanded. Buffy shook her head, her face frozen in mute horror. "Is it radioactive?" I asked. Spike looked at the wall, then at me, confusion plain on his face.

"I don’t see anything!" He snapped. Buffy and I looked at him in shock. How could he miss it? I pointed at it wildly.

"Lookit it! It has to be evil! How can you not see it?!" Buffy nodded in agreement with me as she ventured cautiously into the bathroom for a closer look.

"Maybe its some kind of plant demon?" She suggested and prodded it with the tip of the sword she’d grabbed when she came running. "It has thorns." She whispered in shock.

"You two weren’t sniffing markers again, were you?" Spike asked, disgusted. I sniffed and scooted closer to him, grabbing hold of his arm.

"Kill it, Spike! Kill it!" I pleaded. "It breaks so, so many laws of nature. It’s continued existence may uncreate the universe. It has neon orange flowers, Spike. Neon!" He looked at me, the disgust on his face turning into a smirk.

Buffy retreated from the bathroom and grabbed hold of Spike’s other arm. He started at her uncharacteristic behavior. "Save us, Spike!" She whispered eyes wide with fear. Spike shook her off his arm and rolled his eyes at me.

"You lot are insane." He informed us, as he stepped into the bathroom and grabbed hold of the neon orange, electric purple, and puke green wreath on the wall. When he closed his hand on it, he yelped and let go, knocking it to the floor. "Bloody hell, it bit me!" Buffy snickered. I crossed my arms over my chest and frowned worriedly.

"We warned you, Spike! It has thorns! Yer not going to live through this if you don’t take it seriously!" I nearly cracked a grin at Spike’s glare. Buffy solemnly handed him the sword.

"Here, use this." She looked around the room and saw the fireplace. "We can burn it! That should work against a plant demon, right?" She asked me. I nodded sagely and helped her start the fire. I was half-surprised that Spike hadn’t just left in disgust. I guess he was in a good mood.

A moment later Spike transferred the thing into the fire via the tip of Buffy’s sword and we all jumped back as it started to scream and writhe in agony. Buffy and I gaped at it, then at each other. "I-I thought it was just unbearable hideous!" I gasped. She grabbed hold of my arm and made a little squeaking sound as we listened to its dying screams.

"That’s the scariest demon we’ve ever met." She told me, wide hazel eyes, fixed on the charring neon flowers. I nodded in agreement. She gasped in sudden realization and looked at me. "What if there’re more?!" She grabbed her sword out of Spike’s hand and started out of the room to check for more plant demons.

I sidled over to Spike, who had his eyes on the roasting demon. He looked a little shocked. "That was...disturbing." I commented. He nodded and looked at me.

"Did you know it was alive, pet?" He asked, sliding an arm around my waist. I shook my head and leaned into him.

"I thought it was a horrible nightmare in the world of interior design." I said solemnly. He started laughing and I scowled at him. "What’re you laughing at, Blondie?" He grinned and pulled me around to face him. I took a second to appreciate being a little taller than him instead of having to look up to see his blue, blue <der-her purty> eyes.

"You sound like a woman." I burst out laughing and leaned forward to kiss him lightly.

"Well there’s bound to be some residual effects from my girlier days. I have fashion sense and good taste in décor. Oh yeah, and the kissing of a man thing. That definitely started when I was a girl." Spike smirked adorably and poked my hip.

"Yer standing like a girl too, love." I instantly straightened up and pouted.

"Am not! I’m standing like a very manly, masculine, man-like man." I insisted. "You’re just jealous because I’m manlier than you are." He rolled his eyes and grabbed my hand, turning to pull me to the door.

"Lets check on the witches, kitten." He said. I pouted. Could he come up with a girlier pet name? "If they’re awake you can teach them how to giggle like real women." I growled and stomped on his foot. He just paused in his progress down the hall and gave me a superior look. I razzed him and tried to pull my hand free from his grip so I could pout properly. Unfortunately he refused to let go, and seeing as he had vampiric strength on his side, I couldn’t escape without injuring myself and indirectly him. I sighed and started forward, this time I was doing the pulling.

When we got to the girl’s room, we found Buffy burning another screaming wreath with relish. Tara looked on from the bed, her eyes half-open. "Tara! You live! How’re you feeling?" She blinked at me in sleepy confusion.

"Xander? Is that you?" I nodded happily and sat on the foot of her bed, scowling at Spike when he continued to hold my hand prisoner.

"Yup! It’s the Amazing Xander, back in his original flav-" I was interrupted with some thrashing from Buffy by the fireplace.

"Die foul beast! DIE!" She yowled, looked a little off balance, her eye twitching. I pulled Spike closer and looked up at him from the bed.

"Keep an eye on her, Spikey. I don’t think she’s handling the existence of pure evil in the décor as well as we’d expected." Spike nodded and turned his amused gaze to Buffy. I turned a bright grin to Tara. "Apparently there’re plant demons here that try to destroy the order of the universe by clashing violently with their surroundings." I explained. She nodded, still looking confused. "So how do you feel?"

"Tired and hungry. How’s Willow?" I nodded at the other bed where Wills slept.

"She’s still out for the count. I’ll go round you up some grub." I offered and patted her on the knee with my free hand. I got up and turned on Spike. "Let go of me, Spike." I commanded, doing my best to tower over him. I’m sure it was an impressive inch that he had to look up at me. He smiled slightly and released my hand.

"Hurry back, love. Slayer’s going wonky." I nodded and left to go fetch some food from the kitchen.

I found Jon in the massive kitchen, sorting through the food, and commandeered a can of soup from him and managed to make a passable bowl of sustenance for Tara. I told Jon about the radioactive plant demons while I was heating the soup and made sure to warn him away from anything bright and hideous.

On the way back through the lodge I was foolish enough to let my mind take stock of the situation. <Hrm. So I’m a guy, I’m bisexual, and I’m pretty well stuck on Spike, a soulless creature of darkness. I’m hiding in the mountains with Earth’s greatest weapon, a.k.a. my best friend, which is lying unconscious upstairs. Buffy’s boyfriend is missing an arm and has yet to wake while Buff is kind of losing it because of some horribly ugly demons that must’ve come from a dimension where everything is in black and white because if they had color there, they’d probably have killed themselves off in disgust.>

I groaned and rubbed at the headache forming at my temples. <Well. At least I have an extremely hot vampire to teach me how to have gay sex!> I felt my face flush. <Okay that’ll be fun. And scary. Um, is he gonna want it tonight? He’ll understand why I’m freaked right? He said he loves me, maybe he won’t pressure me.>

<EEEE! Spike loves me! Oh look I can still squeal excitedly like a girl!> I set the bowl of soup on a convenient hall table and bounced experimentally like I used to as a girl. After a moment I concluded that as long as no one saw me, I could still bounce if I had too. I bounced a little more and then skipped oh-so femininely down the hall and back again before picking up the soup bowl and turning to finish my journey at a more sedate pace.

"Right then, now that you’ve gotten back in touch with your girly side, would you mind terribly bringing the witch her soup. She’s looking rather faint." I blushed bright red and glowered at him, while he leaned casually in the doorway. I growled at him as I pushed by.

"Shut up, you stupid dead guy." I grumbled at him. He just continued to grin sexily, teasing me. I set Tara up with the soup then went to check on Willow. My little witch was still sleeping and snoring heartily. I couldn’t help but smile at her. My sweet little Wills could kick all our asses and still be my adorable Wills. I kissed her on the forehead and made sure she was tucked in properly. "Where’s Buffy?" I asked Tara after a moment, ignoring the smirking vampire in the doorway.

"S-she went to c-check on Riley." Tara said, ducking her head. I caught a smile though as she glanced in Spike’s direction. "I can w-watch Willow if you n-need to do something else?" She offered, her smile turning sly as she looked pointedly at Spike again. I gaped at her blatant suggestion. Spike just laughed his low sexy laugh.

"It’s always the quiet ones. Eh pet?" He said, coming into the room to grab hold of my shoulder. He leaned up close against me and nipped at my ear lobe. I felt the full-body tingle and decided that if I didn’t distract myself soon it’d be tingling in one spot in particular.

"I’m going to go see if Buff needs anything." I excused myself and scrambled out of room and down the hall. I found Buff sitting with the now awake Riley on his bed both looking awkward. I stepped in. "Hey, you two need anything? We’ve got soup! It’s frequently used to silence obnoxious belly noises!" Buffy smiled at me as she smoothed a strand of sweaty hair off of Riley’s forehead. Riley just stared in the direction of her shoulder.

"Soup would be great, Xan." Buff told me and I nodded before scampering back from whence I came.

*Bloody the William*

"She's got a vibe. I'm getting a vibe. She's viby."-Cordelia

Looking at the little blond witch after seeing Xander run screaming into the hallway, I was surprised at the aged look in her eyes. They looked ancient and all knowing. She smiled timidly at me and gestured me over to her. Curious, I complied, sitting on the foot of her bed.

"Y-you’re a vampire. An old one, r-right?" She asked. I nodded. "Y-you can feel auras, right?" I nodded again, wishing she’d just spit it out. "Look at Willow. C-can you feel her there?" She looked worried then. Frowning, I turned and crossed to kneel next to the witch that had been put in my charge. I put a hand out over her and concentrated.

I hadn’t really spent much time feeling up the auras of the Scoobies. However, Red’s aura had always been powerful and fairly electric with all the magic in it. Right now I felt nothing. Her aura was gone as if she wasn’t in her body. I flicked my eyes back over to Witch #2. "Where is she?" She shrugged helplessly. I found myself pacing, then. "Where the bloody hell could she have got too?" I dug through my duster pockets trying to locate a cigarette.

"We need to find her quickly. I don’t know how long her b-body can last without her." I found what I was looking for and lit a cigarette, taking a long soothing drag.

"I’ll get the others." I muttered, already striding out into the hall and following Xan-pet’s scent to the Slayer and her pet. "Slayer, we’ve got a problem, meet in the witch’s room in a few." Buffy started to ask questions that I didn’t have time for so I ignored her and followed my pet’s scent down to the kitchen where he was cooking and chatting with the short git we’d brought along.

"-and so I asked him why he was keeping four kittens in my closet and he just says ‘Poker night’. Does that make any sense to yo-Spike!" Xan caught sight of me and smiled brightly. I had to take a deep breath to help restrain the urge to pounce on that beautiful smiling boy. With such unpleasant news about his mate, he wouldn’t appreciate my enthusiasm.

"We’ve got a problem, love, everyone’s meeting in the witch’s room." I told him, trying not to let his suddenly worried expression make me comfort him. I ushered the two out of the kitchen and up the stairs, not smiling as much as I would have when my pet took my hand.